I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
