I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
