that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
