I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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