Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
