Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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