he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
