dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
