Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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