So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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