Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
