Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
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Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
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Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We need a shit load of segways right now
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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