Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
me + whiskey = a bad person
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.