I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
