guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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