i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
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I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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