Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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