ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
