Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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