did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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