Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize