plz talk dirty to me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
