Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
