i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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