i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
