I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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