The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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