Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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