what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
