why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
