burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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