I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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