Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
