Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
