Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
