i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
