My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
