God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i think my tv is drunk
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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