toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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