At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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