I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
