someone threw a dead crab at me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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