I hope mine doesn't look like that
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Randomize
