i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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