My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
