Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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