This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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