Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
