Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
false alarm, still single
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
