shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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