4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
nutella sex= disaster
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
