this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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