:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
