I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
