i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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