Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
